Just A Lil'bit

“So where did you apply?”

We sat at a picnic table in the deserted park. Lightning bugs in the distance started to come alive, marking the arrival of dusk.

“Corgate, Theade, and Fairmont. Im leaning towards Theade though, if I’m excepted.”

He looked surprised

“Theade is over 10 hours away. That’s a long drive.” He took his gave away from the pond that glistened in the sun and looked at me.

“Not really planning on coming back that often. Kind of moving on, you know?” I couldn’t say why, but he still looked surprised, and possibly a little hurt.

“Yeah, I guess that would be what you want.” He adjusted on the bench next to me. “I always liked the fact that my family was so far away that I had an excuse not to see them. It was very freeing to me.” He smiled. “I had my chance to experience things on my own for once.”

The sun slid past the clouds and began to fall on the horizon. He stood up and offered me his hand. “Come one” he said, “it’s getting late.” I hesitated but I took it anyway. We walked hand in hand, silently down the cobblestone path and next to the lake. The sun was completely hidden by the horizon now, and the park was near dark. We stopped by the edge of the pond to gaze in.

“Its so different,” I looked at him “to not feel what I usually do.” I hoped that he understood, and looked at his face for a reaction. It was small, but I could tell. He was looking out past the pond where the trees massed and the lightning bugs flamed in the water’s reflection. He spoke almost too softly to hear and I had to inch closer to hear it all.

“I know,” he hesitated, “Its different to me too. It almost…” he looked down into the black water and then at me, “It almost scares me. I feel so comfortable, so sound. Yet I know that where ever this goes, it won’t go for long. Theade is a long drive.” He turned sideways towards me and looked softly at my eyes. He was right, but I for some reason my eyes swelled and I had to bite my cheek to stop the tears.

“I know,” I said. “But that’s what is going to happen. And if it’s not meant to be, then I guess it never will.” Then I did something that I have never done with any guy before. I reached around him and pulled him in. His tall body towered over me and he surrounded me with his soul. I felt him breathing into my hair on my forehead, his warm body protecting me from the cold chill of the night. It felt nice. I gave a long sigh and soaked in the wrong that felt so right. “Maybe I won’t go to Theade.” I felt him chuckle through his chest. Low and resonating. Soothing.

“Yes you will. You have to. It’s what you really want. You have always talked about it.” He talked without looking at me, still holding me in his arms.

“Well im not sure if that’s what I truly want right now. Right now Theade seems so secondary compared to-“

He cut me off. “Don’t say it. We don’t need encouragement.” I could feel his skin on my forehead. He was smiling. I pulled away a little so I could look up at him.

“So what do you call this, right now?” I gave a little smile, but kept my eyes serious.

“I call this…living in the moment.” Looking down at me, he kissed my forehead. “Besides, we still have a few months until you go…why not enjoy it?” He smiled again. It was a big smile, almost teasing. I could not help myself from thinking about the effects.

“Why not enjoy it? Because it’s wrong…But its right. But morally its wrong. So we can’t…I mean it’s just not right…” I shifted in his arms to see his face, smile gone, stone serious, his eyes studying the same cluster of trees in the distance. “What about Carol?” I knew I shouldn’t have said it but it had been slamming around in my brain like an abused racquetball. His arms tensed a little and then fell loose, not grasping me close any longer.

“Ive..Ive been avoiding her. Every night I go home, I finish up paper work, eat with her, and sleep with her. But…I just don’t see what I see with you. It’s never been like this before. When we married I was so sure we were in love, and maybe we were, and still are…But this is so much different. More than love even. If I knew this was even an emotion, Im not sure I would have said ‘I do’.” I reached  back around myself and took a hold of his hands. They dangled between us, connected by more than just skin to skin contact. I squeezed them and stood on my tip-toes so that my face was close to him. He let go of my hands and placed them on my back again to pull me in and kiss me.

I have been with numerous guys in my teenage years. All different from the next. I had never really felt love, unsure of what it truly was. I can count the number of first kisses I’ve had with guys on both of my hands and about half of my toes. All different guys, but the same kiss. Giggly, teasing, young. It was never fulfilling.

In this moment, I truly understood the meaning of kissing. It was weak at first. Maybe he was scared of hurting me. His lips barely pressed agains mine. He breathed in slowly, and exhaled, letting a little verbal sigh slide. His hands wandered up my back, one into my hair. I began to kiss back. Slow and careful. He was the one risking it all, and I did not want to push it. I allowed my hand you slide up between us and placed it on his cheek. He pulled away for a second and looked at me. No words can be used to describe that precise moment. With my hand on his cheek I pulled him in again. He kissed my lips. So soft and delicate. He trailed away, from my chin, to my cheek, to my ear. Kissing and breathing into my ear. I layed my head on is sholder as he caressed my ear with his lips. His hands firm on my back and in rubbing my neck. I breathed in. His aftershave filled my nose and a power came over me. I kissed his neck. He stopped for a second, and I kissed it again, longer this time. Then his jaw line, to his chin. He moaned a little and looked up at the sky.

“look at the stars” he said. I stopped and  looked up. “They’re so beautiful, shining, everlasting.”

“Its almost as if they are shining for a purpose. With haste for some beloved idea.” I whispered.

He continued to gaze up at them but pulled me closer and tightened his hold. “They’re shining for you.”

His pocked buzzed. “Shit” he said. He pulled out his phone. “I..I…Ive got to take this….Its Carol.” I let go of him but he didn’t release me.

“Hey, whats up?” He rested his chin on my head and slid his free hand from my back to my hand where it stayed. He was quiet for a while and the said “where? Ok…Yeah I’ll be there. See you soon. Uh..yeah…” He squeezed my hand “…Love you too.”

“Is everything alright?” His face had gone pale in the starlight.

“Um yeah, its Carol. She’s gone into labor. I need…I need to go.” He lifted my hand and kissed it. “Ill see you soon.”

I watched as he almost jogged away into the darkness after his birthing wife. Life is so damn complicated I thought as I stood, watching the lightning bugs begin to disappear as the night grew cold.

 The End

I know that there are A LOt of mistakes but I wrote it very quickly and didn't really care.